Wide Load - You know you're a redneck if your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Virgin - A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"
Bowling for Blondes! - Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says... "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Telephone Difference - Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
TGIF On Shoes - Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.
Square Boobs - Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Here's Little Johnny!... - The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.... Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"
What my Mom taught me - All the things my mother taught me: My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
TOP 10 reasons fishing beats sex! - TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX.... 10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK 9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE 8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY 7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD 6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH 5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT 4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH 3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE 2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK 1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL
Pickup Lines - THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!) 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 4. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 5. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 7. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 8. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together? 10. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 11. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 13. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 16. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? 17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 18. So... How am I doin'? 19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
Put-downs Galore! - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests. Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. He's so dense, light bends around him. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. One neuron short of a synapse. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes". Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Condoms for My Camels - There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.
True Lawyer Statements - Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself. 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I’ll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.” 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Ebonics 101 - Welcome to EBONICS 101 Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar... "Damn- that shit is DOPE!" That is a wonderful concept/object/action. "Can't FADE that." I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time. "Shante ain't havin' it." This is not something that Shante will allow to occur. "Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats." Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music. "YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!" Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette? "JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!" I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity. "What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!" Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs. "She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!" The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time. "Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!" Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date. "STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..." It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol. "Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried? "Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."~~~~ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
Here kitty kitty kitty - This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”. So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?” And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”. So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens. The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."